Jealousy and the Decemberists

Thanks to Mike, I'm currently listening to several new tracks by a band I adore: The Decemberists. Even though it's 4.20am, and I'm drunk and tired after DJ'ing at Q + A tonight, I'm loving the tracks I'm listening too. I wonder how long it will be before the album's released locally?

If you check out Mike's blog, he not only talks about The Crane Wife, The Decemberist's new album, but provides links so that you can listen to several of the key tracks from it yourself.

So, thanks Mike.

But simultaneously, I have to say, upfront, that I'm incredibly jealous of you.

I've been single since May 2000, following the spectacular disintegration of my last major relationship. Since then there's been a succession of one night/hour stands, a few briefs flings, and a handful of awkward and unconsumated crushes, but nothing lasting, enriching, or significant.

Last week Mike met a new bloke at Q + A, and the two of them have been spending almost every intervening day together ever since. I watched them together briefly tonight, and was struck by their comfortably physical familiarity (which as far as I'm concerned is well deserved after all the shit Mike's been through).

But at the same time, yes, I was jealous.

I was jealous because Mike only met this bloke for the first time a week ago, but yet the two of them already display a degree of intimacy that I've longed for for years.

Mike makes meeting someone, flirting with them, cuddling them, look so fucking easy.

Someone asked me tonight how I manage to keep so busy, how I juggle so many commitments and responsibilities in my life. The answer was simple - it's because all the effort and energy I'd like to pour into a relationship, I invest in other aspects of my life, to stop myself feeling so absolutely fucking lonely.

And god I'm such a walking fucking cliche that I'm actually crying as I write this, and I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep.